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My boyfriend (well I guess ex boyfriend now) went out last night to a kickback with some friends. He got really drunk but apparently had a really good time. Right now I'm at his house because I'm stupid and was worried about him so I came over to take care of him while he's hungover. Please excuse the following disjointed thoughts.

Just everything about this is a mess...our relationship and definitely me.
I don't know what to think or feel
I feel like a horrible horrible person
and at the same time I feel...idk betrayed

I don't know
I'm so confused
and hurt

I can't even explain it there's so much
his like...ex girlfriend was there but her boyfriend was there so it's ok I guess but like apparently they talked a lot.
He's talking to one of his friends that he was with last night right now and they're talking and it's making me sad and jealous and I don't even know what my feelings are...

I feel hurt but I don't know why
I guess because I can't stop thinking about the break. Last night I spent all night worrying about him because he's never been drunk before so I was worried about something happening to him and I kept thinking 'what happens if he crashes or he like gets alcohol poisoning? I haven't seen him at all today, I don't want things to end like this' and there he is off having the best time ever, apparently, as if our break doesn't even phase him.

idk man
I just want to cry
I'm in such an unhappy place


I came to his house to take care of him wanting to see if we could call the break off
and then I find out that he's been talking to his friends about us
cause he was talking to his friend about it right now on the phone. Nothing specific, his friend just said he was sorry they couldn't talk about "the problem" more last night since there was too much going on. I asked him if by "the problem" his friend meant us and he said yes so murr....


I just want to know why I'm so angry and hurt...
Just because he went and drank with friends?
I don't understand it and that makes it worse.
Maybe if I understood my feelings it would be better but I don't, or maybe I just don't want to understand my feelings because I'm ashamed of them...

He knows and he keeps asking me what's wrong and I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to make him feel guilty for getting drunk with his friends. However not talking about it lets him know and like right now he just said 'this is why we're on a break, because you can't even let me have a good time with my friends' and it's just...sigh.

I want to say that I'm jealous because he went to the party and had a good time and I've never been to a party and he makes it sound so much fun.
Iwant to say I'm hurt because he went to the party and had a good time while I was at home worrying about him and being generally miserable.

To feel that way is annoying and stupid, not to mention unfair to him. I just don't understand why...
It's like, seriously wtf is wrong with me that I feel this way? Why am I jealous and hurt and upset because he went out?

I'm so angry at myself for those feelings too, which makes it worse. I don't really have anyone to talk to, no one to help me understand. I can't talk to him about it because he doesn't understand, he just thinks I'm being possessive and clingy. Hell, I think I'm being possessive and clingy.

I just want these feelings to go away, why must it matter so much?

------------------------------------------------------------

Invi:
Lem, hon, you talk to your friends about your guys' problems, too. People talk. It's okay. :c

Imo, tell him exactly what you're thinking. It seems to me that you worry about the two of you and your relationship much more than he does. And when he's out partying, and you're worrying about the both of you and your problems, that kind of compounds things. Seems like you're doing all the work as far as trying to make things work. That's not how that's supposed to go.

You know I don't have a very high opinion of this guy, from what you've told us, so yes, I'm biased. But I know you love him to pieces and I don't like you being hurt. :c

Tiddler:
*hugs*

I completely understand, as I feel the same way about lovers drinking.
Frankly, it's the most dangerous and intoxicating drug there is. More so then cocaine, acid, heroin - then any of the illegal shit.
The amount of deaths, accidents, crime, abuse and relationship break-ups due to alcohol is... horrific.
Whenever I have a boyfriend or girlfriend it is the only controlling side of me they'll see. If they drink, I must be there, or I get real pissy. I don't drink myself, save for a little beer or the odd cocktail, never enough to get drunk, so I feel quite self-assured, but I find it difficult to trust other people. It's addictive and many people are alcoholics without even realizing it.

Unfortunately I tend to pick drinkers... *sigh*

Me in response to Invi:
Oh I'm not mad that he talked about our problems, actually if he were to talk about our problems to other people more maybe it would help him get a third opinion on our relationship. However the more people he tells, the more irreversible the break becomes for the short term...the more permanent. That's why it's murr.

He says he's the one who has done more work in our relationship, that he's done a lot to change for me and I haven't done anything to change for him. He had a list of things...like that I have a bad attitude and I never back down or let arguments go no matter whether I'm right or wrong. I agree, he has tried to change a lot for me. Ever since he got his braces off he's been like...the sweetest and most caring boyfriend ever. I mean yea we still argue but he tries. Like in the middle of an argument I can see it in his face, it changes and he relaxes then he apologizes and asks if we can just let it go. He says he wishes I could be more like that but I can't. When we're in an argument and I know I'm being irrational, I feel like I'm powerless to stop it. I can't control my own emotions. I see what I'm doing wrong, even as I'm talking I regret the words I'm saying, but I can't make it stop.

;;;_;;;

Tiddler again:
Okay, the fact he'd SAY that he has done 'more work' pretty much isn't... alright. It's not fair to go 'bibblebabble i'm the best ever' when it's subjective.
It's fair enough that he's trying, but putting you down isn't sweet or caring.
You love people for who they are, not who they aren't. If he can't appreciate you for what you are.... Even if part of that is being irrational and stubborn (which, heck, I am too at times, as if everybody) - then he shouldn't try to force it.

I get into crappy arguments where I am blatantly wrong all the time. The only thing that really matters is if you do say sorry at the end of the day, and can reconcile and admit you're wrong if you are. I'm wrong in a lot of arguments, and I rarely admit so in the same day.

My response to Tiddler:
"Whenever I have a boyfriend or girlfriend it is the only controlling side of me they'll see. If they drink, I must be there, or I get real pissy."

Well, we're on a break now so I don't have any say over what he does drinking wise atm. We were originally supposed to go to the kickback together, then he said it was just a guys get together, then we went on a break, then he said that lol yea there were girls there after all. Though apparently only three, so it was more guys then girls. But the girls that were there were there with their boyfriends :P


"Okay, the fact he'd SAY that he has done 'more work' pretty much isn't... alright. It's not fair to go 'bibblebabble i'm the best ever' when it's subjective."

True, it's not nice to boast and be all "I'm better then you because at least I've changed" but I don't think he does it to be an asshole. I think he just feels he puts in more work then me and it's unfair so he tries to make me see that. Not saying that makes it better but y'know....
 
 
 
 
 
 
He's there, hot breath and soft moans whispering in my ear. Distantly I hear my heavy breathing broken by whimpers and quiet gasps of pleasure, But that is a fleeting thought, quickly pushed under by my overwhelming need to be touched, everywhere. I arch against his body, begging for his fingers to trace burning, meaningless patterns on my bare skin. I want to feel his gentle caress, stroking and rubbing as my hand intertwines with his hair and my lips part to whisper his name as I pull him closer. I am greedy and selfish, wanting both his touch and his kisses as I bring our lips together. I can hardly restrain myself from attacking with tongue and teeth, nipping at his soft lower lip then soothing with a moist tongue before seeking entrance to his sweet mouth. I want nothing more than to devour and be devoured. His hands still on my body but I do not mind because it is about this connection now, these hungry kisses we exchange as we desperately try to consume each other.

The sensations are building and i feel him pull back, seeking to take me now when our lips are red and swollen from our kissing. I groan in protest, wrapping my legs around his waist and pulling him back on top of me,

"Not yet" I murmur, hands unable to keep still as they wander his soft, pale skin. He says nothing but buries his face in the soft curve of my neck, biting just to hear my moan before his lips tenderly press against the abused spot and move on. It is his lips tasting the flesh on my neck, licking and nipping that releases my self control and I can't wait any longer. This time when he pulls back I do not stop him but lay naked and vulnerable, flushed with heat and desire as he gazes at me. Now he is the one who prolongs the moment I desperately want. An almost inaudible whine leaves my throat on a heavy exhalation and I thrust my hips into the air, pressing my head back, pleading, begging, for him to fill me, take me, complete me. A moment more and then he is there, tentatively pushing against my entrance, his eyes watching my face for the moment he loves most. It is in that first penetration that I feel the greatest pleasure, the feel of him entering and claiming me as his own, forever and always. The sweet feeling of opening to him and then surrounding him with my wet warmth. I cry out in satisfaction before pulling him back down on top of me, needing to feel his weight on mine, taking in all of him that I can.

For a moment we are frozen, him pressed into me as far as possible while I cling to him, riding the spike of pleasure as I pant for air. With tenderness he begins to withdraw, listening to my pleasured whimpers as I lie, helpless with my desire, willing to be controlled, waiting for him to set the pace as I squirm beneath him, self conscious for a moment of my blatant, overwhelming need. But my self consciousness goes away, it does not matter anymore for he is filling me, completely and fully over and over again while I meet him thrust for thrust, wanting every inch of him in me. The sounds of pleasure fill the air and each moan I can entice from his sweet lips is a triumph, music to my ears that only encourages my own sounds of ecstasy to escape my lips.

He pulls back, resting on his knees as the position changes and a new part is suddenly stimulated. For a moment I can't catch my breath to make a sound, wordless as he changes the tempo, picking up speed and the pleasure speeds up. I am lost now to the rhythm, no longer caring about how I look or what sounds I make. He is mine and I am his, joined by our exposure and desire. I half open my eyes to stare into his, seeking the mental reassurance that what I feel he feels. His gaze bores into mine and I close my own, satisfied by what  I see in the depths. Again I need to be touched and I bring his hand to my  breast, asking without words to caress and rub. I want to feel his hands all over, wishing for the sensation overload that will trigger my climax. Suddenly he goes faster and I cry out" as the hot spikes of pleasure overwhelm me. It's nothing now but him inside, hitting that sweet spot over and over at a fast tempo as the ache builds in my stomach and spreads. "More," I am coherent enough to think but not to voice. "Not harder but faster, fill me, complete me, mark me as yours", I think, barely able to form these thoughts.

I can tell that he is reaching the breaking point too, and the pressure is building in both of us, so I open my eyes to gaze up at him. I love to see this moment, watch his face when he cums in me and knowing that I could bring him that bliss. Seeing that in his face always pushes me over the edge. As my muscles contract and I press against him at the height of passion I can hear his cry mingle with my own, bringing me pleasure and satisfaction.

For a moment neither of us move, quietly resting and reveling in the after glow. It's with reluctance that he leaves me and for a second I feel cold and lonely before the afterglow comforts me again. I turn to him and smile, tracing the line of his jaw with my hand as I murmur my love for him. He rests against me and I hear the fast pounding of his heart, beating as counterpoint to my own. I press my lips to every part I can reach, hands still trailing over his body as if seeking to reassure myself what happened was real. Eventually I curl into his shoulder, legs entwined and a smile on my face. I allow my eyes to flutter close and listen to his deep breath.

It is this here and now, wrapped in his arms with the ghost of him still filling me that I will treasure forever and always. Each time is like new and I always want more, unable to get enough of his warm love. As I drift into sleep I hear him say quietly "I love you" and that is all I need to hear, all i need to know. Three words, so small alone but together they make me feel safe, protected and warm. I sigh happily and drift into sleep.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Haven't been on here in ten billion years. I went back and reread some of the journal entries and DAMN was I fucking emo as hell. Why someone didn't slap me upside the head and tell me to stop being retarded is beyond me, I wanted to slap myself just reading it.

Anyway, just posting this because idk, it's 2 am and I'm bored and nostalgic feeling. Changed the layout because the previous one was awful (why did nobody tell me) but the icon doesn't match now. I'm too lazy to find a new one though so, for now, I'll just stare at it and hope sheer mental thought will change it. So far no luck :D
 
 
 
 
 
 
"You're beautiful"

"...ok...that's random..."

"No it's not. It should be said more often." 
 
 
 
 
 
 
The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead!
 
 
 
 
 
 
I like hanging upside down, staring at the pictures on the wall. Those frozen moments of time with emotions captured eternally. I feel the pulse of blood rushing to my head as I contemplate the laughter long since faded, the innocence that had not yet been lost. A picture says a thousand words they say, but what does a picture say when the second it's printed, framed and hung, it speaks of a past already out of reach? What about when the words that picture speaks are already lies and the truth diminishing under the weight of reality? I stare at the faces, so familiar yet unknown. Who are these happy people smiling with white teeth, eyes sparkling with that special glint of delight? I stare, searching for what happened beyond the picture but it is not there. This picture will never show what happened ten minutes later as the smiles turned to anger and the eyes filled with tears. The words of anger will not be spoken in this picture. So much for those thousand words.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Sitting here, listening to your gentle breathing in and out. Slight whistle through your nose, poor dear it has been stuffy.

A soft, sudden snore, a break in the pattern but no startling awake, just settle back into it once more.

I can imagine-eyelashes as soft as a butterfly wing  gently touching a cheek with a loving caress.

supple lips gently parted, relaxed in this night sleep.

lines of worry and stress smoothed out, peaceful and serene.

I can picture phone to your face, faint glow illuminating your features.

One cheek is pressed against the screen, smooshed and creating a unique look all it's own

A faint cough, rough and scratchy on the throat. My heart beats faster and I long to be there.

I long to be in your arms, safe and warm, comforted and comforting

I wish to be there, listening to the slow beat of your heart, the breathing that matches mine.

I want to stroke your the fine hairs on your ar, ever so softly so as to not disturb you

When I wake up from a dream, terror in my throat, I need you next to me, holding me close

Love, My Love, I want to be there at your most vulnerable

innocent as a baby

With the worlds troubles gone from view.

My Dear, sweet dreams and good night.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Pay close attention
Don't listen to me from now
George'll be flying this one
And it's anyone's guess how he does this
Is the right turn wrong
Universe taking me in full bloom
Fireball careful with that there
See what you made me do

I must be dreaming
Or we're onto something
I must be dreaming
For i don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as i'm losing it so completely

Incendiary glance
Be come and collide in me
Zoom in enhance hold
While i go helplessly sky high
Magic eye sugar rushing don't stop

I must be dreaming
Or we're onto something
Hey just watcha make me
For i don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as i'm losing it so completely

Euphoria i can't take any more of
Yah i'm losing it

-Must Be Dreaming by Frou Frou
 
 
 
 
 
 

In magazines they tell girls not to be so emotionally unstable, it makes guys feel bad. Many women simply take the feelings and bury them on the inside. The image they present to the guy is strong and confident. Only within the privacy of their own bedrooms do they break down and cry, shoulders hunched with the weight of the world upon their shoulders.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 I can't focus.
I can't focus.

All I can hear is your screaming, yelling, arguing.

My stomach twists in knots, anxiety turning my mouth sour.

Peace, peace, calm. It's not working

Music, please, drown out the yelling, the screaming,
Wrap me in your soothing melody.

It will be fine, it's just screaming. Just screaming, anger.

Please, drown it out, make me forget.

Please.