I've got a letter I would like to send

You know those nextel phones they came out with? The cell phones that are also like walkie talkies? And you're sitting there, minding your own business and enjoying life when all of a sudden this annoying noise comes out of nowhere...the first time is fine...but then it happens over and over and over and over again. And then, they put the volume on high because they and their friends think it's funny and whoever they are talking to is like screaming.

W.T.F. Ok, die now.

*kills*

Ok thanks! Have a nice day! ^_^

Tags: you

solesworndown

QUESTION to anybody who reads this

So this morning when I was getting ready I was listening to one of local stations and they asked two questions. They answers they received have significantly lowered my faith in humanity from 2% to -50% so I need some reassurance that there are good people in the world out there..

( Read more... )

On a side note and completely unrelated topic: I hate cramps. The End.

solesworndown

Never a Good Day for Me

You know...I very rarely feel satisfied with my entire life. Most of the time I'm satisfied or happy with only a few aspects of my life (my relationship, my school, my organization, my cleanliness, my appearance, my self esteem, my confidence, etc.) normally I'm only happy with my relationship and yea that's about it. But the past few days I have felt good in about 90% of my life. relationship, appearance, self esteem, confidence, my body, life in general...I don't very often feel this way. I suppose it's the feeling of everything going right in my life. Things going my way for once since things very rarely do. And then, like every other time I'm feeling good about life, something happens that completely drenches my parade, kills any sense of happiness in life I had gained, returns me to the pessimistic and emo kid on the inside that I have a tendency to see.

First it starts with Dan ignoring my texts. No big deal, he's in class..he's in a class where he doesn't do anything, he ditches all the time, and he always texts me in that class and he happens to have that class with a friend that used to be my friend but now I really really really REALLY dislike. but still, I'm still alright, only a little bit sad. After all, it rained today and the sky is cloudy and the air is moist and has that wonderful smell of rain. Things are good. I was on my laptop most of the day, doing nothing of interest and completely ignoring my teachers because they fail at life and teaching anyway.

So I'm sitting in the union, trying to find something to entertain myself, when I get a phone call from my mom. I suppose I will remember this particular phone call as the First Phone Call Of Doom. Hopefully there will only be a First phone call and not a Second or Third. But let me back up a bit.

So, my grandmother has cancer...in her lung. big tumor in the left lung and cancer in her nodules that bleed over into her right lung. She goes on a pill that will hopefully shrink the cancer and give her more time. It shrinks the big tumor 30% zomg everybody was so happy. we were all optimistic, even the doctors. This would definitely give her more time, and it might even make it go away! But then she gets a chest x-ray a week or so ago...and cancer is growing in the right lung now in the nodule. This is strange and very rare, this means that cancer is a different kind than the one that was in her left lung. Fuck. So she got a PET scan on either thursday or wednesday...results today.

So my mom calls me, I can already tell somethings wrong...she tells me to return a book I got for her today for her class. I ask her why, she says my grandmother has to get chemotherapy. This is bad. This means that the right lung cancer is a fast growing cancer and they have to act fast on it. This also means that there is a possibility that the cancer in the left lung isn't responding to the pill treatment anymore...and that's a really big tumor. i forget how much of her lung it takes up but it's about the size of my fist. My mom tells me she's dropping out of school. This is REALLY bad now. My mom has to complete her master's degree within a certain amount of time in order for her to get a teaching degree, which is what she's working towards now. She is crying. I ask her if she will tell me later, she says yea. This is bad, bad bad bad bad BAD. This means things are looking really bad. It means time is even shorter than we thought. Chemo was our last resort, and my grandmother won't deal with it for long. She said since she first found out she had cancer that she didn't want to die sick and bed ridden from the chemo.

I'm trying to keep the emotions away, locked tight in that box I made the first day I heard she had cancer. They're struggling to get out though, but I can't cry because I'm in the union and I'm in public. it's better this way, more time for me to lock up the emotions. All I have to do is not think about it, focus on other things, pretend this is happening to another person. pity, sympathy, but no tears. Fake optimism, fake a smile, fake being a non-emo person again. I'm emo on the inside, yea I can change my outward personality, but I'm a pesti-opt. My first thoughts are pessimistic, I like to be pleasantly surprised when things aren't as bad as I thought they were, but there is always a part of me that is optimistic about being proven wrong. Anyway, I was happy for the past few days, not emo on the inside like normal but a truly happy person with life. I was not emo, I was happy. Confident in myself, my appearance, everything. And then this.

Why is it that when I'm happy, truly and fully happy, my life flips upside down again? Why doesn't God want me to be truly happy? I always say he does things to make me stronger, learn lessons and be a better person. but I'm unhappy a lot, is this part of a greater scheme to make me stronger? Why does being stronger have to involve me being unhappy and in emotional turmoil all the time? I'm sorry if I've done bad things, but I haven't done half the bad things people I know have. I try to be the best person I can.

I ask God the typical question everybody always asks him in the tough times-Why me God? Why can't I have more than a few days of happiness? Why is my family so cursed with horrible luck and bad things? I'm sorry, I'm sorry for anything I've done that has caused this. I'm sorry for wanting to be happy and wanting to have things go my way for once. I'm sorry for asking for things I shouldn't. I'm sorry for wanting to be lucky sometimes, not be an outcast, not be clumsy, not be ugly and unsure of myself. I'm sorry for asking for confidence and self-esteem. Not too much, just enough to be happy with myself and with life and be nicer to people because of it. I'm sorry God, I will never ask for these things again. I will live in silent, unhappy humbleness and just be grateful for being alive.

But please, don't take my grandmother away from me, don't take her away from my family. If this is selfish then so be it. But she is too young, too full of life, too good of a person to be taken away. It's too early, her own mother hasn't even been buried yet. Please God, please...my silent prayer, please listen.

Current Mood:

depressed

solesworndown

Christmas Brings....

Good:
New and utterly awesome computer speakers that sound fantastic
Clothes
Money
Family time
Throwing of wrapping paper
New leather jacket
Jewelry
Surprises

Bad:
Maybe last Christmas with my Grandma
Dan's parents giving him nothing
Hurting Dan
Dan being angry at me
Remembrance of a huge credit card bill
Knowing all my christmas money is going to be spent on debts
Arguing with Dan
Crappy and weird christmas gifts
Cleaning Up Afterwards

solesworndown

(no subject)

I hate myself.
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I really hate myself...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
I don't understand why I fail at life so much.

...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...

But if he won't forgive me...if not being able to spend 24/7 with each for a month or so makes him break up with me, then his love for me is not really as strong as he claims and maybe this will all be for the better...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
But I hope it is strong enough....I really do.

solesworndown

SNOW

OMG!!!! It's snowing!!!! In El Paso!!! Hell hath frozen over!!! lmao

solesworndown

Beautiful

"You're beautiful"

"...ok...that's random..."

"No it's not. It should be said more often."

solesworndown

How to say someone is stupid

The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead!

solesworndown

Dreams

I had two very random dreams today. One last night and one during a nap, though I have forgotten the one during the nap...oh wait there it is. Alright well the first one is more of interest to me because it has potential as a story. GASP! So I want to write down the important stuff here before I forget.

Dream Uno:

It starts off with a building. It is a stereotypically cold and impassive building, offering no invitation to enter. Inside, however, is quite the different story. Warm light radiates from above with no obvious source. Everything looks blurry and soft around the edges and the colors are all red's and golds. The contrast is striking. There is a busy murmur of computers and the gentle clacking of keyboards. Underlying this homey feeling is a sense of unease. There is something terribly amiss in this place of seeming comfort. The set=up is very much like that of an office filled with cubicles, however the "cubicles" are sometimes very large, other's very small. Muffled noises emit from each cubicle but everything is difficult to make out. I begin to walk down a hallway, details like the red carpet with swirls of flowery gold springing up in my mind. There are a few places that recede from the wall and reveal rich brown desks with soft green lights shining a gentle glow. Women look up as I pass and smile serenly, eerily. There is no warmth there, nor malice. Their faces are empty of any true feelings. Shivering I turn around and for the first time notice that Dan is with me. He is frowning and obviously nervous. He glances at me once or twice and grabs my hand for reassurance. Then I look into one cubicle that's door is accidentally open. Within a woman lays unclothed on a table typically seen at a doctor's office. Her face is blank but her mouth is open in a silent scream and her eyes are filled with humiliation and agony. (I don't remember what I saw in that part of the dream but I know it involved something in regards to sex and reproductive organs. Whether she was being raped, implanted or something else I cannot say but it was bad.) When I turn back around I notice Dan has disappeared. Panic fills me and I begin to run down the hallways searching desperately. I know something bad is happening to him but I don't know what. Finally I hear his voice, crystal clear against all the murmuring background noise but faint as if far away. "No, please, don't. Please...Angie..no..please...I can't...Angie..." I turn towards the sound and end up entering a very sterile room. Everything is shining and metallic and men stand about looking either helpless or resigned. I can't see Dan but I hear him pleading for whatever is happening to stop. Then the crowd parts and I ee him being held in a chair. There is a clear glass vial being held to his "friend" and a look of pleasured pain on his face. The man, for yes it was a man, who was attending to him looked bored and uninterested in the task at hand. I rushed over and ran into the man, shoving him to the floor and grabbing DAn's hand. I glare around at anybody who tries to stop us and somehow we leave the room. I turn ot him, frantically running my hands over him to see if everything is ok. Instead of compassion and relief he brusquely shoves my hands away. When I question him if he is alright his response is rough and annoyed. "I'm fine, it was nothing. Jeeze, stop worrying about it alright?" This is not the Dan I remember being with prior to the room. Confused and dazed we continue to walk and end up in a huge room full of brown desks and green lamps. Woman chat on phones here, voices professional and clipped. I don't remember what else happened but I think I found out this was like a human baby making factory or something like that. Woman were forcefully impregnanted and their children taken away and men forced to give sperm and a lot of other bad things happened but I can't remember what. and Yea. alright so really the basis of a story here would be the idea of a human baby making factory. A bit like the matrix but not computerized. It would be brainwashed humans doing it to other humans and blah. It could be interesting I suppose.

Dream Dose:
Short summary here. Park at dan's house dan comes out, greet him then turn back around and my car is gone. See person who has stolen car stealing other cars. dan and I like wtf! then start chasing guy but cant catch then turn back around and find dan's parent's cars gone. see guy take neighbor's car like wtf?! run try to catch guy, catch one guy some stuff. and yea. xDD

Alright that didn't work out as planned. Oh well!

solesworndown

Picture Frames

I like hanging upside down, staring at the pictures on the wall. Those frozen moments of time with emotions captured eternally. I feel the pulse of blood rushing to my head as I contemplate the laughter long since faded, the innocence that had not yet been lost. A picture says a thousand words they say, but what does a picture say when the second it's printed, framed and hung, it speaks of a past already out of reach? What about when the words that picture speaks are already lies and the truth diminishing under the weight of reality? I stare at the faces, so familiar yet unknown. Who are these happy people smiling with white teeth, eyes sparkling with that special glint of delight? I stare, searching for what happened beyond the picture but it is not there. This picture will never show what happened ten minutes later as the smiles turned to anger and the eyes filled with tears. The words of anger will not be spoken in this picture. So much for those thousand words.

solesworndown

Sweet Dreams

 Sitting here, listening to your gentle breathing in and out. Slight whistle through your nose, poor dear it has been stuffy.

A soft, sudden snore, a break in the pattern but no startling awake, just settle back into it once more.

I can imagine-eyelashes as soft as a butterfly wing gently touching a cheek with a loving caress.

supple lips gently parted, relaxed in this night sleep.

lines of worry and stress smoothed out, peaceful and serene.

I can picture phone to your face, faint glow illuminating your features.

One cheek is pressed against the screen, smooshed and creating a unique look all it's own

A faint cough, rough and scratchy on the throat. My heart beats faster and I long to be there.

I long to be in your arms, safe and warm, comforted and comforting

I wish to be there, listening to the slow beat of your heart, the breathing that matches mine.

I want to stroke your the fine hairs on your ar, ever so softly so as to not disturb you

When I wake up from a dream, terror in my throat, I need you next to me, holding me close

Love, My Love, I want to be there at your most vulnerable

innocent as a baby

With the worlds troubles gone from view.

My Dear, sweet dreams and good night.

solesworndown

Must Be Dreaming

 Pay close attention
Don't listen to me from now
George'll be flying this one
And it's anyone's guess how he does this
Is the right turn wrong
Universe taking me in full bloom
Fireball careful with that there
See what you made me do

I must be dreaming
Or we're onto something
I must be dreaming
For i don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as i'm losing it so completely

Incendiary glance
Be come and collide in me
Zoom in enhance hold
While i go helplessly sky high
Magic eye sugar rushing don't stop

I must be dreaming
Or we're onto something
Hey just watcha make me
For i don't fall in love lawlessly
I must be dreaming
Or pinch me to waking
So undeniably yours
As long as i'm losing it so completely

Euphoria i can't take any more of
Yah i'm losing it

-Must Be Dreaming by Frou Frou

solesworndown

Hate

In magazines they tell girls not to be so emotionally unstable, it makes guys feel bad. Many women simply take the feelings and bury them on the inside. The image they present to the guy is strong and confident. Only within the privacy of their own bedrooms do they break down and cry, shoulders hunched with the weight of the world upon their shoulders.

solesworndown

Anger

 I can't focus.
I can't focus.

All I can hear is your screaming, yelling, arguing.

My stomach twists in knots, anxiety turning my mouth sour.

Peace, peace, calm. It's not working

Music, please, drown out the yelling, the screaming,
Wrap me in your soothing melody.

It will be fine, it's just screaming. Just screaming, anger.

Please, drown it out, make me forget.

Please.

solesworndown

Remarkable or not, that is the question

Hm, so on reflection my last entry post might sound as if I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. It is far too early in the semester for me to be remotely close to that. I was attempting to write a story, yes folly I know. I had a dream one night that my mother and I were sort of like servants in a place where the people were very cruel and mean. I don't really remember what else happened but I do know that my mother was cloned at some point because she had done something or other. I told the real mother but she obviously did not believe me. So, I dragged her to where clone-mother was and she freaked out as any reasonable person would. Then, something happened and we escaped. it was a very disturbing idea but the whole feel and world it was in grew attached to me and I was interested to see if I could make it into a story. Turns out-NO! Haha. Oh well.

I would like to say my life has been unremarkable so far but I start thinking about events and realize it really has not been very unremarkable. Between being diagnosed with epilepsy and being prescribed the wrong medicine for my excema, I would say some remarkable things have occured. So, either they have not particularly effected me orrr I am very good at hiding any effect from myself orrr I just have a really bad memory. (Personally I vote for the last!)

Yup, that is all. Just procrastinating studying and/or cleaning. But alas and woe, I have run out of things to say.

solesworndown

Breaking

It is a horrible feeling to find what you thought to be the truth, false. The world flips upside down and the beginning of paranoia reaches its gnarled yellow fingernails towards the mind. Everything the mind relies upon is cast into a jeopardy where questions become answers and answers become questions and the truth remains cloaked in a never-ending fog.

Until it all stops.

In a single breathless moment the reeling of the mind is frozen by one question too many. The zig-zag path of cracks forming is silent but deadly. It is only when the once human mind is reduced to nothing more than reflective fragments that the screaming can be heard.

solesworndown

Study

 Should be studying.

I ditched my university class to study for a math test in an hour but I'm still not studying GAH FUCK ME.

solesworndown

I won't say I'm sorry

I won't say I'm sorry.

I won't.

I have no reason to say sorry to you, no reason whatsoever.

That me, that time period, I was a different person.

I didn't want to be that person.
Why can't you understand that?

I love you, I love you and I never loved him.
Isn't that all that should matter?

Yet...if you break up with me...for this...
For a person I was once and never will be again...
For a past I would rather forget than remember...
For not telling you everything, every painful detail because I would rather

Forget

Forget
Forget

Forgive and forget

That is all I want to do. Forgive myself. Forget that self.

Why must you be so difficult? I will never go back, I was suicidal.

you saved me then, you knew then to some extent
Why is now different from then?

Will you break up with me now?
Will you break up with me now because of who I was
When who I am with you, who I am now, is all that should matter?

Will you?

Will you?

please, don't do this.

Because I won't say Im sorry.
I can't apologize for something I did not do wrong to you.

I love you, isn't that all that should matter?

DIdn't you say all that mattered was our love?

Please....

Tags: love

Current Mood:

depressed

solesworndown

Ha, I fail

So far UTEP= Highschool+bigger campus.

boring, annoying, you know. school.

I fail, I went to the wrong english class on my first day of it, but for good reason! Marisa has english at the same time and in the same place. I naturally assumed we had class together. Wrong! She is in room 202 and I am supposed to be in room 206. I know, I fail :D

solesworndown

I hate this

I hate this war between two of the most important people in my life. The self-hatred for wanting to spend time with him and not wanting to spend time with him. I wish a middle balance could be found, there in the middle of this mess they have created in my mind. I am tired of trying to find a solution, going to the extreme to please her and yet at the same time killing myself on the inside because I want to see him, feel as if I am missing half of myself because he is so far from me. Hearing his voice is a small comfort, texting another, but there is nothing to replace the feel of his arms around me, the smell, the presence of him enveloping me and creating a sensation of incredible security and comfort. Seeing him at the end of a long day is like coming home. I remember one day I had a stressful day and could not see him, my soul felt frazzled and stressed long after the stressful elements were eliminated from the picture. Yet i can have the most stressful day in my entire life and when I see him, when I hear him and feel him, I feel as if I don't have a care in the world. How can that be a bad thing?

"Three heavy stones, keep him from floating
We-igh it, do-own to the bottom-food for the fishes"
-Ex Lover's Lover by Voltaire

Tags: i

Advertisement

I've · got · a · letter · I · would · like · to · send

It's lacking strings of words with punctuation at the end

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · User Info

Previous

Advertisement


08:16 am 11/24/07 Leave a comment	solesworndown SNOW OMG!!!! It's snowing!!!! In El Paso!!! Hell hath frozen over!!! lmao


01:21 am 11/20/07 Leave a comment	solesworndown Beautiful "You're beautiful" "...ok...that's random..." "No it's not. It should be said more often."


11:13 am 11/13/07 Leave a comment	solesworndown How to say someone is stupid The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead!


12:38 am 10/10/07 Leave a comment	solesworndown Hate In magazines they tell girls not to be so emotionally unstable, it makes guys feel bad. Many women simply take the feelings and bury them on the inside. The image they present to the guy is strong and confident. Only within the privacy of their own bedrooms do they break down and cry, shoulders hunched with the weight of the world upon their shoulders.


08:14 pm 10/3/07 Leave a comment	solesworndown Anger  I can't focus. I can't focus. All I can hear is your screaming, yelling, arguing. My stomach twists in knots, anxiety turning my mouth sour. Peace, peace, calm. It's not working Music, please, drown out the yelling, the screaming, Wrap me in your soothing melody. It will be fine, it's just screaming. Just screaming, anger. Please, drown it out, make me forget. Please.


12:41 pm 9/26/07 Leave a comment	solesworndown Study  Should be studying. I ditched my university class to study for a math test in an hour but I'm still not studying GAH FUCK ME.


09:33 pm 8/30/07 Leave a comment	solesworndown Ha, I fail So far UTEP= Highschool+bigger campus. boring, annoying, you know. school. I fail, I went to the wrong english class on my first day of it, but for good reason! Marisa has english at the same time and in the same place. I naturally assumed we had class together. Wrong! She is in room 202 and I am supposed to be in room 206. I know, I fail :D