My boyfriend (well I guess ex boyfriend now) went out last night to a kickback with some friends. He got really drunk but apparently had a really good time. Right now I'm at his house because I'm stupid and was worried about him so I came over to take care of him while he's hungover. Please excuse the following disjointed thoughts.

Just everything about this is a mess...our relationship and definitely me.
I don't know what to think or feel
I feel like a horrible horrible person
and at the same time I feel...idk betrayed

I don't know
I'm so confused
and hurt

I can't even explain it there's so much
his like...ex girlfriend was there but her boyfriend was there so it's ok I guess but like apparently they talked a lot.
He's talking to one of his friends that he was with last night right now and they're talking and it's making me sad and jealous and I don't even know what my feelings are...

I feel hurt but I don't know why
I guess because I can't stop thinking about the break. Last night I spent all night worrying about him because he's never been drunk before so I was worried about something happening to him and I kept thinking 'what happens if he crashes or he like gets alcohol poisoning? I haven't seen him at all today, I don't want things to end like this' and there he is off having the best time ever, apparently, as if our break doesn't even phase him.

idk man
I just want to cry
I'm in such an unhappy place


I came to his house to take care of him wanting to see if we could call the break off
and then I find out that he's been talking to his friends about us
cause he was talking to his friend about it right now on the phone. Nothing specific, his friend just said he was sorry they couldn't talk about "the problem" more last night since there was too much going on. I asked him if by "the problem" his friend meant us and he said yes so murr....


I just want to know why I'm so angry and hurt...
Just because he went and drank with friends?
I don't understand it and that makes it worse.
Maybe if I understood my feelings it would be better but I don't, or maybe I just don't want to understand my feelings because I'm ashamed of them...

He knows and he keeps asking me what's wrong and I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to make him feel guilty for getting drunk with his friends. However not talking about it lets him know and like right now he just said 'this is why we're on a break, because you can't even let me have a good time with my friends' and it's just...sigh.

I want to say that I'm jealous because he went to the party and had a good time and I've never been to a party and he makes it sound so much fun.
Iwant to say I'm hurt because he went to the party and had a good time while I was at home worrying about him and being generally miserable.

To feel that way is annoying and stupid, not to mention unfair to him. I just don't understand why...
It's like, seriously wtf is wrong with me that I feel this way? Why am I jealous and hurt and upset because he went out?

I'm so angry at myself for those feelings too, which makes it worse. I don't really have anyone to talk to, no one to help me understand. I can't talk to him about it because he doesn't understand, he just thinks I'm being possessive and clingy. Hell, I think I'm being possessive and clingy.

I just want these feelings to go away, why must it matter so much?

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Invi:
Lem, hon, you talk to your friends about your guys' problems, too. People talk. It's okay. :c

Imo, tell him exactly what you're thinking. It seems to me that you worry about the two of you and your relationship much more than he does. And when he's out partying, and you're worrying about the both of you and your problems, that kind of compounds things. Seems like you're doing all the work as far as trying to make things work. That's not how that's supposed to go.

You know I don't have a very high opinion of this guy, from what you've told us, so yes, I'm biased. But I know you love him to pieces and I don't like you being hurt. :c

Tiddler:
*hugs*

I completely understand, as I feel the same way about lovers drinking.
Frankly, it's the most dangerous and intoxicating drug there is. More so then cocaine, acid, heroin - then any of the illegal shit.
The amount of deaths, accidents, crime, abuse and relationship break-ups due to alcohol is... horrific.
Whenever I have a boyfriend or girlfriend it is the only controlling side of me they'll see. If they drink, I must be there, or I get real pissy. I don't drink myself, save for a little beer or the odd cocktail, never enough to get drunk, so I feel quite self-assured, but I find it difficult to trust other people. It's addictive and many people are alcoholics without even realizing it.

Unfortunately I tend to pick drinkers... *sigh*

Me in response to Invi:
Oh I'm not mad that he talked about our problems, actually if he were to talk about our problems to other people more maybe it would help him get a third opinion on our relationship. However the more people he tells, the more irreversible the break becomes for the short term...the more permanent. That's why it's murr.

He says he's the one who has done more work in our relationship, that he's done a lot to change for me and I haven't done anything to change for him. He had a list of things...like that I have a bad attitude and I never back down or let arguments go no matter whether I'm right or wrong. I agree, he has tried to change a lot for me. Ever since he got his braces off he's been like...the sweetest and most caring boyfriend ever. I mean yea we still argue but he tries. Like in the middle of an argument I can see it in his face, it changes and he relaxes then he apologizes and asks if we can just let it go. He says he wishes I could be more like that but I can't. When we're in an argument and I know I'm being irrational, I feel like I'm powerless to stop it. I can't control my own emotions. I see what I'm doing wrong, even as I'm talking I regret the words I'm saying, but I can't make it stop.

;;;_;;;

Tiddler again:
Okay, the fact he'd SAY that he has done 'more work' pretty much isn't... alright. It's not fair to go 'bibblebabble i'm the best ever' when it's subjective.
It's fair enough that he's trying, but putting you down isn't sweet or caring.
You love people for who they are, not who they aren't. If he can't appreciate you for what you are.... Even if part of that is being irrational and stubborn (which, heck, I am too at times, as if everybody) - then he shouldn't try to force it.

I get into crappy arguments where I am blatantly wrong all the time. The only thing that really matters is if you do say sorry at the end of the day, and can reconcile and admit you're wrong if you are. I'm wrong in a lot of arguments, and I rarely admit so in the same day.

My response to Tiddler:
"Whenever I have a boyfriend or girlfriend it is the only controlling side of me they'll see. If they drink, I must be there, or I get real pissy."

Well, we're on a break now so I don't have any say over what he does drinking wise atm. We were originally supposed to go to the kickback together, then he said it was just a guys get together, then we went on a break, then he said that lol yea there were girls there after all. Though apparently only three, so it was more guys then girls. But the girls that were there were there with their boyfriends :P


"Okay, the fact he'd SAY that he has done 'more work' pretty much isn't... alright. It's not fair to go 'bibblebabble i'm the best ever' when it's subjective."

True, it's not nice to boast and be all "I'm better then you because at least I've changed" but I don't think he does it to be an asshole. I think he just feels he puts in more work then me and it's unfair so he tries to make me see that. Not saying that makes it better but y'know....