It is a horrible feeling to find what you thought to be the truth, false. The world flips upside down and the beginning of paranoia reaches its gnarled yellow fingernails towards the mind. Everything the mind relies upon is cast into a jeopardy where questions become answers and answers become questions and the truth remains cloaked in a never-ending fog.
Until it all stops.
In a single breathless moment the reeling of the mind is frozen by one question too many. The zig-zag path of cracks forming is silent but deadly. It is only when the once human mind is reduced to nothing more than reflective fragments that the screaming can be heard.
I won't say I'm sorry.
I have no reason to say sorry to you, no reason whatsoever.
That me, that time period, I was a different person.
I didn't want to be that person.
Why can't you understand that?
I love you, I love you and I never loved him.
Isn't that all that should matter?
Yet...if you break up with me...for this...
For a person I was once and never will be again...
For a past I would rather forget than remember...
For not telling you everything, every painful detail because I would rather
Forgive and forget
That is all I want to do. Forgive myself. Forget that self.
Why must you be so difficult? I will never go back, I was suicidal.
you saved me then, you knew then to some extent
Why is now different from then?
Will you break up with me now?
Will you break up with me now because of who I was
When who I am with you, who I am now, is all that should matter?
please, don't do this.
Because I won't say Im sorry.
I can't apologize for something I did not do wrong to you.
I love you, isn't that all that should matter?
DIdn't you say all that mattered was our love?
I'm tired of this drama.
I normally don't care about what people say. "Why is she dating a fucking sophomore? wtf?" Yea bitches, i don't fucking care what you say. Dan makes me happy, he loves me and I love him and knowing he cares about me made me realize opinions like that don't matter. He's a year and a half younger than me, when you think of it like that he's not that much younger. Ruben's four years younger than my mother and they're married! It's just because we're in high school and everyone is obssessed with rank. Well, fuck you too, at least I've found somebody to make me happy. If it ends, it ends, but everything happens for a reason and right now, this is a good thing in my life. I'm not going to let other people effect me or my relationship with him. I wish the people who were saying shit would just stfu and deal with their own lives before mucking about in mine.
"why are you dating a 10th grader? I can't believe you've had three relationships and not one with me"
You should believe it Butane. I'm tired of this drama. You know what pisses me off the most? I've been your friend, I've listened to you, I've wanted to take away your pain but I can't change my feelings. I'm sorry you suffer everytime I go out with someone else and it hurts you and makes you feel like nothing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I'm triple sorry. I'd erase your liking of me and erase the past year of your pain for anything in the world because when you're upset, it upsets me. I don't like hurting people, I don't do it on purpose unless Iv'e been pissed off. The fact that I hurt you, continue to hurt you, upsets me and makes me feel like crap. I know my emotional distress doesn't even begin to compare to what you go through. I've seen that depressing abyss of being rejected. It hurts like a bitch. but you know what...I moved on from my rejection. It hurt and I didn't think I'd ever be able to get over him, but I did and I'm happier. I want you to move on from me, but what I don't understand is why you're angry...you feel like I havn't given you a chance? Butane, you fucked your chances when you drank to drown your sorrows.
I had a conversation with you once about the drinking habits of my friends, how it made me sad and I couldn't understand why they put themselves and others at risk by drinking the way they did. I told you, drinking with family, special occasions or even just one or two wasn't something I had issues with. What I did have issues with was drinking until you threw up or passed out. I think within the month of that conversation i was getting drunken texts on saturdays, declarations of love that I didn't want. But I didn't withdraw from you, and perhaps that's my mistake. I thought withdrawing would be too cruel, and I was selfish in my own rights. You're an awesome person and always help me when I need it the most, I didn't want to give up the friendship with you even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Every time I had problems with you, I told myself the only way to end your agony was like pulling off a bandaid. End the friendship, end everything and let you move on. Instead, I've allowed it to drag on because I won't relinquish my friendship with you. I'm sorry, so sorry for being selfish, for wanting to keep that. I see it now, as I've always seen it, that ending everything is the only solution. I wish it didn't have to, but I've tried everything else and none of it's worked. The next time we have issues I;ll end it, that's what I told myself. Except I told myself that over and over and over and I never did it. Well, you've done it. You're on what I call the "hating angie" bit fo the cycle now, if I let it cool and then start talking to you again it'll go back to the