Log in

Recent Entries Friends Archive Profile Tags To-Do List
Hm, so on reflection my last entry post might sound as if I am on the verge of a mental breakdown. It is far too early in the semester for me to be remotely close to that. I was attempting to write a story, yes folly I know. I had a dream one night that my mother and I were sort of like servants in a place where the people were very cruel and mean. I don't really remember what else happened but I do know that my mother was cloned at some point because she had done something or other. I told the real mother but she obviously did not believe me. So, I dragged her to where clone-mother was and she freaked out as any reasonable person would. Then, something happened and we escaped. it was a very disturbing idea but the whole feel and world it was in grew attached to me and I was interested to see if I could make it into a story. Turns out-NO! Haha. Oh well.

I would like to say my life has been unremarkable so far but I start thinking about events and realize it really has not been very unremarkable. Between being diagnosed with epilepsy and being prescribed the wrong medicine for my excema, I would say some remarkable things have occured. So, either they have not particularly effected me orrr I am very good at hiding any effect from myself orrr I just have a really bad memory. (Personally I vote for the last!)

Yup, that is all. Just procrastinating studying and/or cleaning. But alas and woe, I have run out of things to say.

It is a horrible feeling to find what you thought to be the truth, false. The world flips upside down and the beginning of paranoia reaches its gnarled yellow fingernails towards the mind. Everything the mind relies upon is cast into a jeopardy where questions become answers and answers become questions and the truth remains cloaked in a never-ending fog.

Until it all stops.

In a single breathless moment the reeling of the mind is frozen by one question too many. The zig-zag path of cracks forming is silent but deadly. It is only when the once human mind is reduced to nothing more than reflective fragments that the screaming can be heard.

 Should be studying.

I ditched my university class to study for a math test in an hour but I'm still not studying GAH FUCK ME.

I won't say I'm sorry.

I won't.

I have no reason to say sorry to you, no reason whatsoever.

That me, that time period, I was a different person.

I didn't want to be that person.
Why can't you understand that?

I love you, I love you and I never loved him.
Isn't that all that should matter?

Yet...if you break up with me...for this...
For a person I was once and never will be again...
For a past I would rather forget than remember...
For not telling you everything, every painful detail because I would rather



Forgive and forget

That is all I want to do. Forgive myself. Forget that self.

Why must you be so difficult? I will never go back, I was suicidal.

you saved me then, you knew then to some extent
Why is now different from then?

Will you break up with me now?
Will you break up with me now because of who I was
When who I am with you, who I am now, is all that should matter?

Will you?

Will you?

please, don't do this.

Because I won't say Im sorry.
I can't apologize for something I did not do wrong to you.

I love you, isn't that all that should matter?

DIdn't you say all that mattered was our love?


So far UTEP= Highschool+bigger campus.

boring, annoying, you know. school.

I fail, I went to the wrong english class on my first day of it, but for good reason! Marisa has english at the same time and in the same place. I naturally assumed we had class together. Wrong! She is in room 202 and I am supposed to be in room 206. I know, I fail :D
I hate this war between two of the most important people in my life. The self-hatred for wanting to spend time with him and not wanting to spend time with him. I wish a middle balance could be found, there in the middle of this mess they have created in my mind. I am tired of trying to find a solution, going to the extreme to please her and yet at the same time killing myself on the inside because I want to see him, feel as if I am missing half of myself because he is so far from me. Hearing his voice is a small comfort, texting another, but there is nothing to replace the feel of his arms around me, the smell, the presence of him enveloping me and creating a sensation of incredible security and comfort. Seeing him at the end of a long day is like coming home. I remember one day I had a stressful day and could not see him, my soul felt frazzled and stressed long after the stressful elements were eliminated from the picture. Yet i can have the most stressful day in my entire life and when I see him, when I hear him and feel him, I feel as if I don't have a care in the world. How can that be a bad thing?

"Three heavy stones, keep him from floating
We-igh it, do-own to the bottom-food for the fishes"
-Ex Lover's Lover by Voltaire
I am so tired. This week has been very...bleh. Actually this past month has been very bleh. I started on the pill maybe...two months ago? It has made me very hormonal and tempermental and I cry at the drop of a hat now. The other day I had a huge mental breakdown. I have never felt so depressed in my life. Luckily Dan brought a smile to my face and some laughter, I felt better then...only I then proceeded to get pulled over for not having my seatbelt buckled and recieved a ticket for that. Go Me. That would make it my third ticket/warning in as little as two months. Started bawling when the pleaseman handed me the ticket. Poor guy, probably had no clue why I was crying, he was just doing his job after all. Hmm...what else...oh started marching band. I have to wake up at a most nightmarish hour of 5:45 to get to band on time...I don't reeeeally have to get up that early but I don't want to risk being late due to traffic and whatnot. My section leader sucks ass. We are the slowest learning section in the entire band because of her. Blegh, just my luck.

Jill is a skank. Bikini tops and shorts rolled down so there's about two inches covering your privates??? For summer band?????? Skank. Worst part? Dan gets to march next to Miss. Whore-In-The-Making for 90% of the show. This means he spends about...89% of summer band standing right next to her. Oh, and apparantly her boob has popped out on occasion, so that the drum major even noticed and said something. I'm not particularly worried about Dan making a move, but what if Queen Slut decides to do something? She is in love with his eyes
(who wouldn't be though!) and texts him like a lot. Oh and she made out with the grossest guy in band, Chris...though Chris said she is a bad kisser. HA. Take that skankwhore. Anyway....

This entry was pointless. I was going to make it all...eloquent and etc. because I feel my muses dying for attention but i didn't have the energy. I figured out how to cure writer's block. Deny your muses any attention and an outlet for creativity and they come crawling back begging for forgiveness. It works. Trust me.
I have come to the conclusion that most people see 'living life' as having a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. I really don't get it either. To me, that's not living life. It's more like a long, drawn out destruction of life. I continue to see that the only way for some people to have 'fun' is by drinking, doing drugs or smoking. Why do they drink? To loosen their inhibitions. Why do they do drugs? To not care about the stupid things they did while drunk. Why do they smoke? Because they are too stressed and can't handle the consequences of the life they have chosen. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Obviously this doesn't go for everyone, but I am speaking about the general population of people who do all or one of the above. And it's just...sickening. I started to go down that path where I drank and smoked hookuh(sp?) just because it seemed to be the thing to do. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Let me just paint myself as a sheep and go jump off that metaphorical cliff now. Luckily, circumstances led to a revelation that I was being incredibly stupid and I was saved from a path too many teenagers have been unlucky enough to be trapped by. Anyway.

I'm tired of this drama.

I normally don't care about what people say. "Why is she dating a fucking sophomore? wtf?" Yea bitches, i don't fucking care what you say. Dan makes me happy, he loves me and I love him and knowing he cares about me made me realize opinions like that don't matter. He's a year and a half younger than me, when you think of it like that he's not that much younger. Ruben's four years younger than my mother and they're married! It's just because we're in high school and everyone is obssessed with rank. Well, fuck you too, at least I've found somebody to make me happy. If it ends, it ends, but everything happens for a reason and right now, this is a good thing in my life. I'm not going to let other people effect me or my relationship with him. I wish the people who were saying shit would just stfu and deal with their own lives before mucking about in mine.

"why are you dating a 10th grader? I can't believe you've had three relationships and not one with me"

You should believe it Butane. I'm tired of this drama. You know what pisses me off the most? I've been your friend, I've listened to you, I've wanted to take away your pain but I can't change my feelings. I'm sorry you suffer everytime I go out with someone else and it hurts you and makes you feel like nothing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry and I'm triple sorry. I'd erase your liking of me and erase the past year of your pain for anything in the world because when you're upset, it upsets me. I don't like hurting people, I don't do it on purpose unless Iv'e been pissed off. The fact that I hurt you, continue to hurt you, upsets me and makes me feel like crap. I know my emotional distress doesn't even begin to compare to what you go through. I've seen that depressing abyss of being rejected. It hurts like a bitch. but you know what...I moved on from my rejection. It hurt and I didn't think I'd ever be able to get over him, but I did and I'm happier. I want you to move on from me, but what I don't understand is why you're angry...you feel like I havn't given you a chance? Butane, you fucked your chances when you drank to drown your sorrows. 

I had a conversation with you once about the drinking habits of my friends, how it made me sad and I couldn't understand why they put themselves and others at risk by drinking the way they did. I told you, drinking with family, special occasions or even just one or two wasn't something I had issues with. What I did have issues with was drinking until you threw up or passed out. I think within the month of that conversation i was getting drunken texts on saturdays, declarations of love that I didn't want. But I didn't withdraw from you, and perhaps that's my mistake. I thought withdrawing would be too cruel, and I was selfish in my own rights. You're an awesome person and always help me when I need it the most, I didn't want to give up the friendship with you even though I knew it was the right thing to do. Every time I had problems with you, I told myself the only way to end your agony was like pulling off a bandaid. End the friendship, end everything and let you move on. Instead, I've allowed it to drag on because I won't relinquish my friendship with you. I'm sorry, so sorry for being selfish, for wanting to keep that. I see it now, as I've always seen it, that ending everything is the only solution. I wish it didn't have to, but I've tried everything else and none of it's worked. The next time we have issues I;ll end it, that's what I told myself. Except I told myself that over and over and over and I never did it. Well, you've done it. You're on what I call the "hating angie" bit fo the cycle now, if I let it cool and then start talking to you again it'll go back to the

[x] You drink a lot of tea. ~Tea is AWESOME.
[] You know what a brolly is.
[ ] Deal or No Deal has taken over your life.
[ ] You wanted Ben to win X Factor.
[x ] You use the word "bugger" or the phrase "bloody hell."
[x] Fish and Chips are yummy.
[] You can eat a Full English Breakfast.
[ ] You dislike emos almost as much as you dislike chavs.
[x] Its football...not soccer.
Total: 4

[x] you wear flip flops all year.
[ ] You call flip-flops thongs not flip flops.
[ ] You love a backyard Barbie.
[X] You know a Barbie is not a doll.
[x] You love the beach.
[X] Sometimes you swear without realizing.
[ ] You're a sports fanatic.
[ ] You are tanned.
[ ] You're a bit of a bogan.
[ ] You have an Australian something
Total: 4

[ ] The Sopranos is a great show.
[ ] Your last name ends in a vowel.
[] Your grandmother makes her own sauces.
[] You know how a real meatball tastes.
[ ] You know Italian songs.
[x ] You have dark hair and dark eye color.
[ ] You speak some Italian.
[X] You are under 5’10’’
[ ] you know what an Italian horn is
[X] Pizza/spaghetti is the best food in the world!
[X] You talk with your hands.
Total: 4

[ ] you say member instead of Remember.
[] You speak Spanish or some.
[x] You like tacos.
[ ] You TyPe lIkE ThIs On Da CoMpUtEr.
[x] You are dark skinned.
[] You know what a Pita is.
[X] You talk fast occasionally.
[x] You have had highlights or have dyed your hair.
[] You know what platanos are.
Total: 4

[ ] You say villain as: Vee-lon.
[x] You get short tempered.
[ ] You know of somebody named Natasha.
[X] You get cold easily.
[X] Rain is fun for you.
[ ] You get into contests all the time.
[X] You can easily make do with the cold weather.
Total: 4

[ ] You think beer is the best.
[ ] You have a bad temper.
[] Your last name starts with a Mc, Murph, O', Fitz or ends with a ley, on, un, an, in, ry, ly, y.
[] You have blue or green eyes.
[x] You like the color green.
[] You have been to a st. pattys day party.
[] You have a family member from Ireland.
[] You have blonde hair.
[ ] You have/had freckles.
[x ] Your family get-togethers always include drinking and singing.
Total: 2

African American
[ ] You say nigga/nukka casually.
[ ] You have nappy hair.
[ ] You like rap.
[] You know how to shoot a gun.
[] You think President George Walker Bush is racist.
[x] You like chicken.
[x] You like watermelon.
[] You can dance.
[ ] You can 'sing' gospel.
Total: 2

[ ] You have slanty/small eyes.
[x] You like rice a lot.
[] You are good at math. (Eh, kinda)
[] You have played the piano.
[ ] You have family from asia.
[x] You laugh sometimes covering your mouth.
[ ] Most people think you're Chinese. (I get asked this A LOT.)
[ ] You call hurricanes typhoons.
[ ] You go to Baulko.
Total: 2

[X] You like bread.
[X] You think German Chocolate is good.
[] You Speak some German.
[] You know what Schnitzel is.
[ ] You hate it when stupid people call you a Nazi.
[X] You went to Pre-school.
[x] You're over 5'2
Total: 4

[ ] You like/play/played hockey.
[ ] You love beer.
[x] You say eh.
[] You know what poutine is.
[ ] You speak some French.
[] You love Tim Horton's.
[ ] At one point you lived in a farm house.
[ ] You watch/watched Degrassi.
Total: 1

[ ] You hate foriegners.
[ ] You hate non - Christians.
[X] You're lazy.
[ ] You are not cultured.
[ ] You hate abortion.
[ ] But love the death penalty.
[ ] You don't read.
[X] You shop at Wal-Mart.
[x] You think this survey is rather biased.
Total: 3

Apparantly I'm Germspanbritaustitalan O.o htf does that work?